


love, loss, and other things they didn't want to mention

by lafgl



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Gen, but vaguely, i am garbage, kind of focuses on the relationship ellie had with riley, rated t because i have the mouth of a sailor and so does ellie, riley is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 05:59:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6553780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafgl/pseuds/lafgl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joel and Ellie learn to cope with both of their losses after returning to Tommy's. A story told through a series of arguments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love, loss, and other things they didn't want to mention

**Spring**

 

"Ellie, leave it alone! This conversation is over." They'd been arguing the past few days over a certain subject. Things had been tense since they had returned to Tommy's. It wasn't that Ellie knew Joel had lied to her -- well, she did, but even though she didn't know the whole truth, she respected his decision. This was different. He'd eventually tell her the truth. She knew that. She worried that he'd never really let go of who he'd lost.

"No, you know what? It isn't, Joel. And it never will be if you can't talk about her."

"Ellie, don't," he says through gritted teeth.

"You gotta learn to cope, okay Joel?"

" _Ellie_."

"You lost your daughter." She keeps pushing since he's already mad and it can't hurt any more than it already has.

"Ellie, please."

"You're gonna lose other people in your life too. You just gotta keep going."

"Leave _her_ out of this, Ellie. You have no idea--"

Ellie cuts him off before he can go down that path again, "Bullshit, Joel! You _know_ I've been through my fair share of shit!"

"Nothing. Like. This."

"I fucking told you! I've..." she's holding back tears but keeps pushing for his sake, "I've lost people too." She can't help letting the tears fall this time.

He's forgotten the conversation at hand and reached out to hug her, letting her cry into his arms, because he can't bear look at her like _that_ , "I know... _I know_... I'm sorry."

"Why'd she fucking leave me Joel?"

"I..." He can't answer her because he's been asking himself the same question all these years.

"I know you don't know," she sighs.

"I'm sorry Ellie. For everything." He's apologizing not just for this argument -- also for every other one they've had about _her_. "It's hard to lose a friend. I lost Tess..."

"Don't think I couldn't tell, Joel," she laughs, sniffling and wiping her tears.

"Tell what?"

Ellie says it plainly, like it's obvious (It was, but Joel didn't think so), "You were _totally_ more than friends."

Normally he would laugh and playfully shove her and deny the whole thing. Not now. She deserves the truth about  _something_ , it's the least he can do.

There's a long pause before Ellie speaks again. "We could... talk about Tess instead... if you're not ready for..." Her name still goes unspoken.

"Tess," he nods, "Yeah... I did love her. "After... my wife left... and then... when Tess came around I felt like someone was finally here to stay. Now I realize no one stays in this world"

" _I'll_ stay. _I'll_ be here, Joel," It hurts her to see him like this but she knows it's for the better.

She decides it's her turn to share. She trusts him, she knows he always tries to do what he _really_ believes is right, "Riley and I... We were..." She can't get the rest out.

"Take it easy."

She takes a deep breath, "more than friends too." Her words are shaky and quiet but they're there.

" _Ellie_..." He's thinking, She's too young to have gone through something like _that_. He reaches out to hug her, _again_ , because she's crying, _again_ , and no matter how mad he gets at her, he can't help but feel some instinct to protect her from hurting. "You remind me of her, you know," It slips out, and he regrets bringing up the topic again.

"Tess?"

He hesitates, and considers saying yes, but he knows that she'll be able to tell. God, if only he wasn't such a horrible liar around her. "...No."

" _Oh_." She knows. Of course she knows. That's the only name he can't bear to say.

* * *

  **Summer**

 

They're arguing again. Joel had been happier since their last argument, but Tommy set him off.

"He didn't mean it, Joel. You know he didn't. He was just frustrated."

"Stay out of this, Ellie. This isn't your fight." Joel sighs.

Ellie knows this, but it isn't going to stop her from _making_ it her fight. "Joel, we've been over this, remember? You just gotta keep going."

"I don't know how you live with it."

She doesn't. She feels guilty _every_ day. She knows he does too. The difference between the two of them is quite small, actually. Ellie's learned to keep going because of her loss. Joel is still letting it hold him back 20-something years later.

"I have _you_." Joel is the only person Ellie really cares about at this point. The world can go screw itself for all she cares as long as she's got him by her side.

"I loved her so much, Ellie."

This is the first time he's actually shared his feelings with her. It's a step. "I loved _her_ too. That's common ground, right?" It takes all of her willpower to keep her voice steady. "There's not a day I don't think about her, Joel. And I'm _sure_ you can relate. I'm still here. I'm making it through. Because... I know she wouldn't want me giving up."

"No... _Sarah_ wouldn't want that."

* * *

**Fall**

 

For once, it isn't an argument between Joel and Ellie. Ellie fights with herself this time. She can't get attached. Not _again_. Not after Riley.

Joel's noticed. She knows that, and refuses to talk to him about it. It's one part embarrassment, one part stubbornness. She doesn't want to talk to him about her feelings. Like, at all. Ever. She doesn't even want to acknowledge the fact that she's _having_ feelings for someone again.

She often lies awake at night thinking about her. Still. It's been over a year and there hasn't been a day where she doesn't think about what they could've been together. What she wouldn't give to see her again.

While she used to take delight in a headshot, she can't stop envisioning them in her head now. They were people too.

* * *

  **Winter**

 

Winter is the worst. She can't go outside in a snowstorm without going into a panic attack.

Joel helps. He's there to keep her sane.

It's only _partially_ working.

She doesn't have the energy to argue.

* * *

  **Spring**

 

As soon as the last snowfall melts, Ellie feels better. Like everything has been lifted off her shoulders.

She's still not as tough as the first time Joel walked into the compound with Tess and an injured Marlene. She knows she won't _ever_ be like that again, even taking comfort in the fact that she's not that same person.

Coping is still tough but the blooming flowers bring a certain kind of cheer to her mind. They remind her of Riley. She doesn't know why. Riley never cared for flowers.

* * *

**Summer**

 

They haven't argued since the previous summer. They're more alike than they think.

* * *

**Fall**

 

Ellie fights with someone else this time. She's been hurt before and can't stand to lose someone else. But she can't just deny her feelings. Because, goddamnit, she's liked this girl since... _forever_. She doesn't know if she'll ever love her as much as she loved Riley, though.

She _wants_ to. She wants to give her everything she can, even though she knows most of what she wants isn't possible.

The first time their lips meet, she has hope, for the first time in years.

This time is different.


End file.
